How to Poop on a Plane

Scene: You stand in something like purgatory: the tube that connects the gate to the entrance of the plane. Here you stand waiting in a crowd of people to sit down for six hours or so. The woman at the desk informed you moments ago that you would be sitting in an exit row for the duration of the flight. Mind the step while boarding the plane!

It is the 15th of March, in the year 2017. Hawaiian Airlines flight number 42 with service to San Francisco from Maui will be taking off in a matter of minutes. You sit anxiously awaiting the moment the engines kick in.

Once the plane takes off you ask the woman sitting next to you if she’s allergic to nuts. This happens as you reach inside your bag for the trail mix you mean to snack on. Unfortunately, the woman initially does not notice the trail mix and assumes you’re about to pull an unsolicited pickup line. This assumption meets you with a quizzical glance. Fortunately, she is not allergic to nuts and you proceed to enjoy the snack.

The exit row you find yourself in is located right next to the lavatory. There is a lot of traffic here with many people finding the necessity to empty their waste (pee, poop, etc.). You soon come to understand that you, too, need to alleviate your bowels.

Here is the course of events that led you to this moment:

  • First, you land on Maui with little to no food in your stomach. You decide to go to a well-known coffee chain (possibly/definitely your first mistake). The coffee goes down quickly. Along with being an appetite suppressant, coffee is also a bowel stimulant. You have thirty minutes.
  • Second, peanuts really do not sit well in your stomach. The trail mix you just ate is literally called “Peanut Butter Monster,” and you released the beast.

Now, here’s something to keep in mind; there are currently three people standing immediately in front of you, waiting for the bathroom. You have a solid five minutes before your bowels literally explode (but can definitely, at least maybe, hold it for ten minutes with the proper breathing technique). However, you do not want the people sitting next to you to know that you were the one who literally destroyed the bathroom. How do you do this? One word: strategy.

Here’s your strategy: First things first is you have to be quick. There will be no goofing around. You cannot sit on the toilet and enjoy the song that just started playing. You cannot take a selfie in the mirror. You cannot come up with a fun and witty caption about said selfie whilst making a pun about flying (aka “Joining the mile high club today #poop #livingwithmybitches #live”). You definitely cannot take your damn time.

Second, you need to wait until you have a clear shot. Honestly, the only thing keeping it in at this point is the fact that you are sitting down. Use your time wisely; you do not have a lot of it.

Third, wipe deep, wipe clean.

After waiting thirty or so minutes, with several close calls, you made it to the lavatory. Unfortunately, there is one spot on the flight path from the Hawaiian Islands to California that is guaranteed to be turbulent.

Can you guess where this is going?

Scene: Your pants are around your ankles. The plane starts aggressively shaking.

First thought: Scream.

Second thought: Don’t do that.

Fortunately, a majority of your bowels have been emptied. Unfortunately, literally everything that was emptied is now thrashing threateningly below your anus.

Is it okay to scream now?

Still no.

But, now you have an excuse to stay in the bathroom longer. You can just tell the woman sitting next to you that you had trouble finding your footing. You can lie. Lying is okay sometimes.

The plane has settled.

It’s game time.

You have thirty seconds to wipe to come out of the bathroom at a reasonable time. Let’s just hope you don’t have a *marker.

Luckily, this is not the case. You exit the bathroom and nobody asks you questions. You literally had nothing to worry about.

Everybody poops. You did nothing wrong. However, you do notice the man exiting the bathroom after you covering his nose and crying. Were they tears of joy? The world may never know.

For future reference, maybe poop before you leave the house?

*Marker – when you wipe to no avail; the toilet paper continues to come back dirty no matter how many times you try.



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