Notice: This is a compilation of work I created over the course of two weeks in April 2015 as a result of my parents’ absence from home.

Home Alone Day #1 Entry #1: I’m quite enjoying the bachelor life. I have to consistently remind myself not to investigate the bumps in the night to refrain from dying a horrible death at a point where it will be several days until someone discovers my lifeless body.

Stay posted. Updates to follow.

Home Alone Day #2 Entry #2: I haven’t been home all day. However, my freedom at school seems to have broadened with the absence of my parentals at home. Maybe I’ll go out tonight. Maybe a few people will come over and we can have a “study session.” I don’t know how far I can take these newfound freedoms. My only hope is that I do not get out of hand. I do know that once I get home I’ll have to take care of last night’s dishes or my mommy will yell at me…

Stay posted. Updates to follow.

Home Alone Day #3 Entry #3: I have come to realize that living off of Oreos may have dire repercussions in the future. I know now that I just delve into the pantry in hopes to find another source of nourishment. The pop tarts hiding away may sustain me for a few days to come. Similarly, I could get away with eating a bowl of saimen 10985273_806766092749842_8739628471097615552_n.jpgfor dinner…

Stay posted. Updates to follow.

Home Alone Day #4 Entry #4: Maiah took me out to dinner for our first unsupervised date! Unfortunately, Aunty Nicole stopped by and crashed the party. Luckily we’re going home to an empty house. It is going to be magical 😍

Stay posted. Updates to follow.

Home Alone Day #5 Entry #5: My shower count for today is running on three and counting. The infinite supply of hot water is quite refreshing. I have consumed a total of three Go-Go Squeezes and two bowls of Goldfish. I am not ashamed.

Stay posted. Updates to Follow.

Home Alone Day #6 Entry #6: This morning I stepped outside to check the mail and was immediately assaulted by a flying cockroach. Similarly, I checked the fridge and noticed that I was running extremely low on milk (my main source of sustenance). After crying I was able to collect myself enough to take a venture to Waimea for a relaxing afternoon at the Farmer’s Market. Currently, Ghar is forcing me to watch NCAA basketball. I am not enjoying myself. However, I am eager to begin getting ready for my Senior Prom this evening. Gonna be heading out with all my BOIZ.

Stay posted. Updates to follow.

12862_808313382595113_4345298929721533237_n.jpgHome Alone Day #7 Entry #7: My milk supply was replenished; the world may continue spinning once again. I spent my Easter with the Ashcraft family today, and that was very nice. Last night I was in celebration at my senior prom. Unfortunately it was five million degrees in the dance so the picture you see below is Ghar, Ethan, and my retreat to the bathroom where the AC was pumping. Roughly four escapades similar to this took place. When we weren’t in the bathroom, you can trust that we were slaying the dance floor.

Stay posted. Updates to follow.

Home Alone Day #8 Entry #8: SOS! sh*t is going down! The house is shaking. There’s something in the walls. Oh no! They’re closing in on me. Send help immediately.

Stay posted. Updates to follow.

Home Alone Day #9 Entry #9: Today I had a one man dance party. Actually, now that I think about it I’ve had a solo dance party every day since my parents left me to fend for myself. The days are blurring into the nights. My food supply is depleting. I took a pee at one point, forgot I was peeing, and walked away from the toilet. As I was still peeing. Everything is a mess.

Stay posted. Updates to follow.

Home Alone Day #10 Entry #10: I am currently on the hunt for three geckos I found wandering around the establishment. They have evaded me for the past two nights. Tonight will be the night… My drive to do any form of productive work has completely diminished. My inability to drive legally (and therefore my inability to drive at all) has proven to be my biggest handicap. I just want some Subway. Is that too much to ask for?

Stay posted. Updates to follow.

Home Alone Day #11 Entry #11: Maiah, Bri, and Melia stopped by this evening to make me dinner and bake cookies. The kitchen burned down, but not to worry, the cookies are in mint condition! Also, the ice cream didn’t even melt. Thank God!

Stay posted. Updates to follow.

Home Alone Day #12 Entry #12: On the eve of my parents’ return home I look back on my past two weeks as a bachelor. First of all, my house may be the scariest place to live alone in. Trees scratch against the windows, doors slam shut when the windows are left open, some creepy guy comes out of my closet to watch me sleep every night. It is ridiculous! Also, waiting to prep the house for my parents arrival last minute has maybe been the worst decision of my life. Four loads of laundry, two loads of dishes, and a mopped floor later and all I want to do is eat ice cream and cry. However, my time alone has been nothing short of enjoyable. All of my aunties and uncles pulled through to take care of me when I needed milk or dinner. I could blast my music throughout the house and nobody told me to turn it down. From (practically) unsupervised dates and sleepovers to nights spent alone I had a very nice two weeks to myself. I am eager to see my parents tomorrow afternoon.

There will be no further updates…

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I competed on the Paddling, Volleyball, and Cross-Country teams throughout my four years at Hawaii Preparatory Academy (HPA). After Paddling season ended in January, 2015, I ceased all straining physical activity for another year.

The day is January 16th, 2016. I am a first-year at Pitzer College.

I sit in my neighbor, Beth’s room conversing with Beth and our friend Luisa. The topic of conversation is fitness. Luisa is talking about starting a new workout regimen. The conversation is as follows:

Luisa: “I think I’m gonna start this new workout regimen.”

Christian: “That sounds dope, can I do it with you? We can keep tabs on each other and all that good stuff.” (“all that good stuff” is basically referring to nothing, in this case. I have no idea what I am talking about here. My fatal flaw when it comes to physical health is that I expect spectacular results immediately and discontinue the process when I realize that is not happening.)

Luisa: “Yes.”

End of conversation.

Okay, it is seven in the morning on January 17th. I could not tell you what day of the week is because a) I don’t remember, and b) I’m too lazy to look it up.

I am up. I am ready to take on the day. I’ve got my gym clothes on and I think I look cute as hell.

Luisa arrives and we get started.

The breakdown of this workout regimen is as follows: Seven minute circuits and four circuits in a workout. That is twenty-eight total minutes if you’re having trouble counting.

Day 1: Leg Day

We’re doing a ton of squats and a ton of burpees and a ton of lunges.

Here’s something you, the reader, need to know about Luisa: She is fit as hell. She has been working out since she was about negative three years old, and she is not here to play games.

Here’s something you, the reader, need to know about me: I am quite competitive. I believe that my body can do things that it cannot. After not working out for a year, I assumed that I could jump back into it with no problems. I am trying to keep up with Luisa.

(Was this a mistake? I’m not gonna spoil it for you;)

Seven minutes.

In seven minutes I sit down three times and drink approximately twenty-two ounces of water.

In seven minutes I contemplate leaving four times.

After seven minutes, I do leave.

While sitting down on the rowing machine I tell Luisa that I need to go to the bathroom. I stand up and my vision turns black. The spins have hit. I think I’m gonna vomit. I trip over every word as I say “I’m actually gonna just go back to my room. I’m not feeling well.”

In a minute I’m in the gym’s bathroom.

In another minute I’m lying on the floor next to the toilet. I haven’t retched, and the spins subside after another minute.

My legs are on fire.

I live on the fourth floor of Pitzer Hall, and there is absolutely no way that I am going to walk up four flights of stairs. I proceed to walk around the building to take the elevator up.

My roommate decides to point out that I am drenched in sweat and that I have also only been gone for ten minutes.

I sit in the shower and cry for fifteen.

Scene: You stand in something like purgatory: the tube that connects the gate to the entrance of the plane. Here you stand waiting in a crowd of people to sit down for six hours or so. The woman at the desk informed you moments ago that you would be sitting in an exit row for the duration of the flight. Mind the step while boarding the plane!

It is the 15th of March, in the year 2017. Hawaiian Airlines flight number 42 with service to San Francisco from Maui will be taking off in a matter of minutes. You sit anxiously awaiting the moment the engines kick in.

Once the plane takes off you ask the woman sitting next to you if she’s allergic to nuts. This happens as you reach inside your bag for the trail mix you mean to snack on. Unfortunately, the woman initially does not notice the trail mix and assumes you’re about to pull an unsolicited pickup line. This assumption meets you with a quizzical glance. Fortunately, she is not allergic to nuts and you proceed to enjoy the snack.

The exit row you find yourself in is located right next to the lavatory. There is a lot of traffic here with many people finding the necessity to empty their waste (pee, poop, etc.). You soon come to understand that you, too, need to alleviate your bowels.

Here is the course of events that led you to this moment:

  • First, you land on Maui with little to no food in your stomach. You decide to go to a well-known coffee chain (possibly/definitely your first mistake). The coffee goes down quickly. Along with being an appetite suppressant, coffee is also a bowel stimulant. You have thirty minutes.
  • Second, peanuts really do not sit well in your stomach. The trail mix you just ate is literally called “Peanut Butter Monster,” and you released the beast.

Now, here’s something to keep in mind; there are currently three people standing immediately in front of you, waiting for the bathroom. You have a solid five minutes before your bowels literally explode (but can definitely, at least maybe, hold it for ten minutes with the proper breathing technique). However, you do not want the people sitting next to you to know that you were the one who literally destroyed the bathroom. How do you do this? One word: strategy.

Here’s your strategy: First things first is you have to be quick. There will be no goofing around. You cannot sit on the toilet and enjoy the song that just started playing. You cannot take a selfie in the mirror. You cannot come up with a fun and witty caption about said selfie whilst making a pun about flying (aka “Joining the mile high club today #poop #livingwithmybitches #live”). You definitely cannot take your damn time.

Second, you need to wait until you have a clear shot. Honestly, the only thing keeping it in at this point is the fact that you are sitting down. Use your time wisely; you do not have a lot of it.

Third, wipe deep, wipe clean.

After waiting thirty or so minutes, with several close calls, you made it to the lavatory. Unfortunately, there is one spot on the flight path from the Hawaiian Islands to California that is guaranteed to be turbulent.

Can you guess where this is going?

Scene: Your pants are around your ankles. The plane starts aggressively shaking.

First thought: Scream.

Second thought: Don’t do that.

Fortunately, a majority of your bowels have been emptied. Unfortunately, literally everything that was emptied is now thrashing threateningly below your anus.

Is it okay to scream now?

Still no.

But, now you have an excuse to stay in the bathroom longer. You can just tell the woman sitting next to you that you had trouble finding your footing. You can lie. Lying is okay sometimes.

The plane has settled.

It’s game time.

You have thirty seconds to wipe to come out of the bathroom at a reasonable time. Let’s just hope you don’t have a *marker.

Luckily, this is not the case. You exit the bathroom and nobody asks you questions. You literally had nothing to worry about.

Everybody poops. You did nothing wrong. However, you do notice the man exiting the bathroom after you covering his nose and crying. Were they tears of joy? The world may never know.

For future reference, maybe poop before you leave the house?

*Marker – when you wipe to no avail; the toilet paper continues to come back dirty no matter how many times you try.

My instructions were to use this post to tell my readers why I started this blog and what I plan to do with it. So this is me doing that.

I’ll start again by introducing myself; My name is Christian Moniz. In the recent years my nicknames have gone from Kid to Bubby to Princess (hence, the name of the blog ;). I am not special. I am a simple man. I grew up, and have lived all of my moments up until this very one. I am not special, but I do feel my stories are unique to me. That is why I have decided to share them.

I bet you’re wondering why the featured photo of this blog post is two randos making out in the water. Fear not! Those people are not random! In fact, they are my mom and dad. I took this picture of them in, I think, January of 2017. I do know for a fact that it was taken over the winter break of my sophomore year in college (which is the year that I am currently living in). Frankly, I would not be here writing this post now if they didn’t start making out a little north of twenty years ago. You will hear plenty of stories about them, and about other people. They matter to me. You will also see plenty of pictures that I have taken. This is going to be fun.

If it is not I apologize. However, you’re not entitled to have a negative opinion towards any of this, so I guess there’s nothing to be worried about!